I am weakness

I recently read a quote in Jesus Calling, a daily devotional book, that really encouraged me. It said, “I have chosen you less for your strengths than for your weaknesses, which amplify your need for Me.” Throughout this whole year, I’ve seen again and again just how many weaknesses I have. There aren’t many sins listed in the Bible that I don’t struggle with. I struggle daily with greed, jealousy, anger, sexual sin, drunkenness, gluttony, all kinds of idolatory, selfishness, gossip, prideful thoughts, judgmental thoughts, hateful thoughts, and many others that would take too long to list. I also routinely battle doubts, anxieties, fears, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of depression, feelings of guilt, and even feelings of guilt when I don’t feel guilty but feel like I should. Aside from all these things, I can also be pretty hypocritical at times. I don’t naturally enjoy sharing the gospel, or serving the homeless, or putting others first, or even going to church. There have been many times when I've stolen, lied, or cheated when I knew I could get away with it or when I knew it would make me look better. It's much easier for me to be inappropriate around non-believers than it is to share about how much Jesus loves them. I naturally just live to please myself and do what makes me feel good. I make my life all about me. I used to think I was a good person, but the closer I've grown to God, the more I've realized that I'm not a good person. Not even close. Even when it looks as if I’m doing good things, my motives are a lot of times more for selfish reasons than motivated by love. Like it says in Isaiah 64:6, even our righteous acts are like filthy rags. Recently, I have been feeling just like the apostle Paul in 1 Timothy 1:15 when he says that he is the worst of sinners.

 

As I’ve been realizing just how much of a broken person I am, it's been very easy to get down and discouraged. I’m starting to see just how helpless I am apart from Christ. When I control my life, I literally can't do anything of eternal value (John 15:5). Thankfully, God has also encouraged me through this process of humbling. I've been reminded that my salvation is not at all based on my performance as a Christian, but totally, 100% on God’s grace. That is such an awesome thought! With this in mind, I've told myself to worry less about doing things for God, and instead, to focus on being with God. Spending time with him in prayer, spending time reading the Bible, spending time thinking about God's character. And then trust that He will work in my heart and change me from the inside out. This is the good news of the gospel: that God has done for us what we could never do. No amount of church attendance, prayer, giving of my money and time, mission trips, or good deeds will ever get me even one step closer to Christ. All that is needed is to trust that Jesus' sacrifice is enough and to have faith in Him. Once we realize this, and this is only by the help of God's grace, do we become like the man in the parable of the hidden treasure in the field. Once he found the treasure, he joyfully sold everything he had to buy the field because he realized that nothing else mattered, not comfort, not success, not money, not anything.

 

My prayer is that God will open my eyes so that I will treasure a relationship with Him so much that everything thing else in life will just fade in comparison.

Trip Recap

      Because of the Kenyan elections on Monday, we decided it would be smart to fly out a week early and avoid any possible post-election violence. So here is a recap of the trip. I will divide it into three sections just in case you want to pick and choose which sections you read. The first section will be about what we did, then how God worked in my heart, and finally I’ll write about some random stuff.

      The whole goal of our trip was to bless and encourage Martin and his ministry in whatever way possible, and to also be obedient to whatever else we felt God calling us to do. We spent a week building a water tank for an orphan school in the village which was kinda fun. It got to be pretty brutal at times with the heat and nowhere to go for shade, but it was so great to see the kids’ excitement every day when we showed up. We also helped out at a sports/kids camp for a week. This was pretty unorganized, but it ended up working out well because the kids were super content and didn’t really seem to care what we did. We ended up playing games, doing some exercise drills, and also reading some Bible stories. Jay, Chris, and I would joke that we had to watch out for becoming prideful because all the kids treated us like celebritie. Lastly, we spent a lot of time going around and visiting Martin’s house churches in Kenya and Uganda. This part of the trip was definitely my favorite as I love being able to (or at least trying to) encourage others. So we got to spend a lot of time sharing meals with the churches, praying over them, and speaking verses and words of encouragement into their lives. I always felt like I was more encouraged than they were when I left because I was so amazed by their faith and their contentment in the midst of their struggles and poverty. We also got to treat Martin to a night at a lodge in Sipi Falls in Uganda which was super refreshing for all of us!

      I felt like God did a lot of work in my heart this past month, but I would say the two main things he reminded me of were his grace and my dependency on him. There were a lot of struggles for me during the trip, most of which were very small things, but God really used them to show me (in a loving way) what a schmuck I can be at times. And through this, he really brought me to the realization that I never have and never will do anything  to earn my salvation, but that it is only by his grace that I’m saved. As I started to realize this, I was just overwhelmed with joy and peace because I couldn’t understand why in the heck God would ever choose me to follow him. I struggle with so many things and fail in so many areas, yet he chose to show his grace and mercy to me! It just rocks my mind. Some of my struggles on the trip included not having control over most situations like being able to run, eat, or even go to the bathroom whenever I wanted, feeling unsafe at times, and just feeling helpless to make any difference in the world after seeing so much poverty and pain. God used this to remind me again of my complete dependency and need for him every single day. I felt like I was also reminded of John 15:5 which really simplifies following Christ in saying that all we need to do is remain in Christ and will we bear fruit for his kingdom. That’s definitely encouraging!

Some quick random notes:

-         -The village we stayed at had an elevation of 6,200 feet which made running pretty brutal this past month. We even spent two days at a village in Uganda which was at just over 10,000 feet. Both of my runs there were close to the most miserable of my life.

-         -We had two layovers in Dubai, one on the way out and one on the way back. Both times we tried to go up the world’s tallest building, Burj Khalifa, but both times we failed. We had reservations at the bar on the 122^nd floor at midnight on Monday, but sadly we did not meet the dress code so we were turned away. Even though it was disappointing, it was so fun to walk around Dubai. It’s definitely the most unique city I’ve ever been to. 

-         -I realized I am intensely claustrophobic. Taxi rides in Kenya consist of packing as many people as possible into a small 15 passenger van. The most we ever had was 24 at one point. We also had a 3 hour ride with 22 people. During that ride I was crunched into the back and my legs fell asleep within the first 2 minutes. It was also extremely hot and it smelled, so it was only by God’s grace that I didn’t have a panic attack.

-         -After a month of not having any sugar in my food, I had a pretty intense sugar craving when I got back to the States. So when I got to the airport in New York last night my dinner consisted of a chocolate chip cookie, a sugar cookie, a snickers bar, and a chocolate covered brownie. I’m so thankful that God gave us taste buds!

Kenya!

After lots of prayer and some clear direction from the Lord, I've decided that I will be going to Kenya from February 5th to March 12th! I will be going with one of my closest friends, Jay Quick, and one of Jay's friends, Chris, who is from Colorado. We will be going to serve and support our brother and friend Martin Wangila. It sounds like we will be running a sports camp for teenagers, building a water filter system for his village, and going around to his house churches in Uganda to strengthen and encourage them. At first, to be completely honest, I wasn't thrilled about the idea of going back to Africa, but I have gradually grown more excited as the Lord continues to confirm that this is where He wants me to go for now. I'm a little worried about what the daily living conditions will be like, but as I learned in Zambia, God definitely does give the grace needed to get through everyday.

One thing the Lord has really brought to my attention recently is my selfishness. On Christmas day I was reading through 1 Corinthians 10, and when I came across verse 24 which says, "No one should seek their own good, but the good of others," I felt deeply convicted. Since that day I've been praying that the Lord will show me my selfishness, and boy has He ever. Even though I might not always act selfishly, I've realized that I am super selfish when it comes to my thought life.  I'm sure that nearly 90% of my thoughts are about seeking my own good, while only 10% of them are about seeking for the good of others. Since God has revealed this to me I've been trying to be more intentional about thinking of myself less often, and as I've tried to do this I've realized just how deeply this selfish thinking is ingrained in me as it is extremely difficult for me not to think about myself. This will definitely be a long process, but I can take hope that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6).

Lastly, I just started reading Forgotten God by Francis Chan last week and I absolutely love it! Francis is my favorite author and speaker. He does such a great job of seeking out biblical truths and speaking them out of a heart of love, honesty, and humility. Even though he can be very convicting at times, I never seem to feel discouraged but always come away feeling inspired. My favorite part of the book so far is when Francis talks about John 16:7 which says, "But I tell you the truth, it is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I go, I will send Him to you." Francis talks about just how crazy this verse is because Jesus is pretty much saying that it is better for us to have the Holy Spirit than to have Jesus out walking around with us. This blows my mind. If it was up to me, I would probably choose to kick it with Jesus everyday rather than to have the Holy Spirit. I guess this shows that I still have a lot to learn about the power of the Holy Spirit.

I'll be writing another update after the Kenya trip to let you all know how it goes. Thanks to all of you for the support and prayer!