I recently read a
quote in Jesus Calling, a daily devotional book, that really encouraged me. It
said, “I have chosen you less for your strengths than for your weaknesses,
which amplify your need for Me.” Throughout this whole year, I’ve seen again
and again just how many weaknesses I have. There aren’t many sins listed in the
Bible that I don’t struggle with. I struggle daily with greed, jealousy, anger,
sexual sin, drunkenness, gluttony, all kinds of idolatory, selfishness, gossip,
prideful thoughts, judgmental thoughts, hateful thoughts, and many others that
would take too long to list. I also routinely battle doubts, anxieties, fears,
feelings of inadequacy, feelings of depression, feelings of guilt, and even
feelings of guilt when I don’t feel guilty but feel like I should. Aside from
all these things, I can also be pretty hypocritical at times. I don’t naturally
enjoy sharing the gospel, or serving the homeless, or putting others first, or
even going to church. There have been many times when I've stolen, lied, or
cheated when I knew I could get away with it or when I knew it would make me
look better. It's much easier for me to be inappropriate around
non-believers than it is to share about how much Jesus loves them. I
naturally just live to please myself and do what makes me feel good. I make my
life all about me. I used to think I was a good person, but the closer I've
grown to God, the more I've realized that I'm not a good person. Not even
close. Even when it looks as if I’m doing good things, my motives are a lot of
times more for selfish reasons than motivated by love. Like it says in Isaiah
64:6, even our righteous acts are like filthy rags. Recently, I have been
feeling just like the apostle Paul in 1 Timothy 1:15 when he says that he is
the worst of sinners.
As I’ve been
realizing just how much of a broken person I am, it's been very easy to get
down and discouraged. I’m starting to see just how helpless I am apart from
Christ. When I control my life, I literally can't do anything of eternal value
(John 15:5). Thankfully, God has also encouraged me through this process of
humbling. I've been reminded that my salvation is not at all based on my performance
as a Christian, but totally, 100% on God’s grace. That is such an awesome
thought! With this in mind, I've told myself to worry less about doing things
for God, and instead, to
focus on being with God. Spending time with him in prayer, spending time
reading the Bible, spending time thinking about God's character. And then trust
that He will work in my heart and change me from the inside out. This is the
good news of the gospel: that God has done for us what we could never do. No
amount of church attendance, prayer, giving of my money and time, mission
trips, or good deeds will ever get me even one step closer to Christ. All that
is needed is to trust that Jesus' sacrifice is enough and to have faith in Him.
Once we realize this, and this is only by the help of God's grace, do we become
like the man in the parable of the hidden treasure in the field. Once he found
the treasure, he joyfully sold everything he had to buy the field because he
realized that nothing else mattered, not comfort, not success, not money, not
anything.
My prayer is that God
will open my eyes so that I will treasure a relationship with Him so much that
everything thing else in life will just fade in comparison.
